Que fuerte la vida!

Ah to blog again! I wonder if I still remember how to do this. It’s like if someone asked me to write a 5 page paper for a class. I wouldn’t know how to start. Anyway, I guess I should first recap the last three months of my life. Well, obviously I wasn’t in Madrid.; hence the lack of posts (after all, it is called Hola Madrid).

I would say I have had a pretty easy 27 (almost 28) years. Yes, my family have had to go through some hard shit (I.e. immigrating, mom's cancer scare) but we’ve pretty much been able to overcome it. I don’t think anything quite prepared us for what was to happen to my dad, which came out of nowhere. I know everyone in Chicago was in hysterics, as I was thousands of miles away. I don’t think I will ever forget the day my sister told me my dad had a heart attack. I remember exactly what I was wearing, what I was doing and about to do, what I was eating - and almost vomited, . It was by far the worst day of my life and it didn’t help that I wasn’t there to give him a hug. It didn’t take long for me to buy a one way ticket home. If I can go to the Canarias or Barcelona or wherever on a whim, why not to see my dad?

So I hurriedly packed up my bags, settled all my “businesses” in Madrid, said goodbye to a few students and a few friends, and flew home within days. By the time I arrived in Chicago, my dad had FINALLY made it out of surgery and was slowly recovering. I’ve never been so happy to see him and the family. There were lots to talk about: events before and during the surgery - they apparently spared me from the gory details on the phone; life’s unpredictability; the recovery process; future plans regarding my parents; etc. Things that I never thought I would have to talk about now, at 27. It totally freaked me out.

Once my dad finally came home and things slowly calmed down, being back in Chicago started to hit me. When I left, the thought of not coming back to Madrid crossed my mind a few times - saying goodbye to the few friends I got to see before I left was really difficult - but I didn’t have that much time to think about it since my dad’s condition was my number one concern. No one was pushing me to make a decision towards Chicago or Madrid but I knew I had to because my roommates and my job needed to know if they should keep my room and my classes. In the end, I decided to stay in Chicago . I knew my dad needed me. Out of everyone, I was the one with a more flexible lifestyle. But I also knew that I couldn’t not go back to Madrid. I knew I needed “closure”…to be able to say my proper goodbyes and really get it all out of my system.

And so there I was in Chicago…really ridiculously depressed the first few weeks. Then I got depressed even more for feeling depressed about Spain when my dad is not even able to walk at a normal pace or sleep through the night. I felt like an asshole, but I guess I was just going through withdrawals. I’ve never felt so heartbroken about being unexpectedly cut off from something/someone…definitely worse than all the boys who’ve broken my heart. For a long time I didn’t know what to do. I already knew I was going to visit to get my closure but then what? What if the closure just makes me want to stay even more? What if I never get Madrid out of my system?

Once I got out of my rut, I was starting to think more clearly. I decided to stay in Chicago after my “closure” but not completely close the door on Madrid. This is mostly for financial reasons. I’ve had a great time in my adult life (maybe too much even), but now it’s time to settle down a bit. I owe so much money that if I keep going at this rate, I will be heading towards bankruptcy. I’ve realized I really need to stop borrowing, thinking that I’ll be able to pay it in the future. How will I ever pay it if this IS my future? I will never make enough money teaching to pay off my debts…I will just accumulate more debt. So I hope to sell my soul to the devil, get paid lots at some rich company, pay off my debts, save money and keep studying Spanish. If in a year or so I still want to live in Spain, then I go back and hopefully be fluent enough to have a real job.

With 2009 being so strangely creepy and depressing (recession, flu pandemic, hearing about a death of a friend’s friend/grandma/brother/father every two weeks!), I’m going to start fresh and give positive thinking a try. Vamos a ver, no?