Starting Over

Coming back to Madrid was kind of weird. Even though I was only gone for a little less than two weeks, it felt like I was away longer. It felt like I had to relearn everything. I think the part that stores languages in my brain was ready to explode. I had English, Filipino, German and Spanish all mixed up. It couldn't quite decide which language switch to turn on (and I barely know two of those!). Maybe I was tired, but there was definitely a time on the train when I couldn't remember how to say thank you in Spanish. I just kept thinking, danke or thanks.

It just felt like I was new to the city all over again. It didn't help that I came back to it being a big ass mess. It literally looked like a tornado had hit the Metro. There was shit everywhere (train tickets, soda cans/bottles, food, pants, half of a shoe, etc.). It made me wonder how crazy it was here on New Years. I heard later that the cleaning people might be on strike, hence the nastiness that has taken over Madrid...you gotta love the Europeans and their strikes!

Because I was too cold to leave the house in Germany, I had a lot of time to think about anything and everything. Idle time for Fran is never good. I found myself thinking about my future and its stability. I started to doubt myself and wondered if I could actually be a teacher. What if I end up a horrible teacher? What if I just hated teaching? What if I get fired and have to find a new job? What if my wages are not enough to live on? I kept focusing on the disadvantages of my current job: very long commute, lots of extra work at home, no vacation time, and no paid holidays.

Then I started to think about my personal life. What if I don't make new friends? What if my apartment situation doesn't work out? What if I don't get over my boy problems and I will become an old bitter woman with cats (and I hate cats!)??? Did I make the right decision of leaving Chicago? Should I just give up now before I'm in too deep and go home?

I was a disgusting mess. It was like a cloud of negativity and bitterness and self-pity was constantly hovering over me. I hated myself for thinking these things, but I couldn't stop. It was very unlike me. I never let myself dwell on stupid shit like this...there are way bigger problems in the world.

Thankfully, by the end of my holiday in Germany, I was able to slap myself in the face and tell myself how stupid I am. I mean, there's no need to have a pity party for myself. When you're sad and alone and not in your usual comfort zone, it's easy to forget why you made a huge change in your life in the first place. I forgot that I was also miserable in Chicago. I forgot how much I hated my job. I forgot how stagnant my life was at home and needed something new. Once I allowed myself to remember all that, I was okay again.

So I've decided that new year means new beginnings. I will do my best to make the most out of this experience. Plus, I told myself I have to stay here at least a year. I have to stick it out. It's too early to quit. I'm also slowly erasing/shedding all the bad juju from 2007, and it feels liberating. I know I will still have my random panic attacks every once in a while and that's okay. But one thing is for sure: I'm not going to let it get to me. Old happy annoyingly cheerful Fran is making a comeback!